I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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