I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
