just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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