Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
