my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
