I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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