you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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