just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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