where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
