apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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