Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
