why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize