at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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