I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
pray to the hookup gods
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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