He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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