You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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