yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
