I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
