It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
