I faked an abortion last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
