The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize