fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
