everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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