I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
