After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize