I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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