census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
