his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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