Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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