Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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