my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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