You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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