For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
