I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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