I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your cock deserves a montage
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
