i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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