I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
