Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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