i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
