why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
