Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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