I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
