Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
