the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
