it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize