Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
