I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I met the friendliest cop last night
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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