I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
