All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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