sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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