Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
