from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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