You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
