I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
