I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize