also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
