That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize