She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
