the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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