Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
