Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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