I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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