I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I love you.
Bad choice
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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