dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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