You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
dude. I can hear the air.
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