someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
