Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
