She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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