Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
