I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
