I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
