Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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